Eric and I started going through Proverbs this morning. We were struck by the following:
“Wisdom cries aloud in the street, in the markets she raises her voice;
at the head of the noisy streets she cries out;
at the entrance of the city gates she speaks:
"How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?
How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?
If you turn at my reproof, behold,
I will pour out my spirit to you;
I will make my words known to you.”
Proverbs 1:20-23
Isn't it true that real wisdom is so hard to hear among the chaos of lies being thrown at us by the world?
As a woman, I am being told:
"If you've got it, flaunt it"
"You do you, girl"
"No one can tell you how to live your life"
"Don't change for anybody!"
"Sleep with whoever you want."
"You are in charge of your life."
Then I'm being told that men should stop treating women like sex objects because we have brains too (great point) ... but what are the same women doing? Acting like sex objects because "it's my body!" Oh, the irony.
Then we have this "love yourself" movement which speaks to some valid issues but addresses them in an entirely secular, new-age fashion. We're told that we have to boost our "self-esteem" and that we need to really love ourselves before we can love others and that our "happiness" should be our first priority in life.
When will women (and men) realize that, NO you are not beautiful just the way you are. Yes, you were fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God but, sheesh, we are depraved. Look at us! We think elevating "self" and boosting our egos is the way to happiness and joy. We think the answer to our longings is within ourselves. You just gotta muster up some confidence from within, put on some lipstick, and then you'll improve your self-esteem, be able to do everything a man can do, and you'll be ruling your own little world. You don't need nobody... you do you, girl.
There has never been a generation that praises egotism as much this one. Never before has selfishness been praised in a culture like it is in this one. What happened to self-denial? What happened to dying to self and serving others? When did it become noble to post half-naked pictures of yourself on Instagram under the banner of "fitness" because "I work so hard for my body and I want to show it off" ???
It really breaks my heart to see so many women lost in this counterfeit, temporal "happiness" the world offers. I was once stuck deep in those lies and I regret suppressing the truth for so long. To be honest, those lies still so easily grab hold of my heart.
The Gospel tells us that human beings without Christ are "dead in their trespasses" and are "children of wrath" (Ephesians 2:1-3), it says that "all have sinned and fallen short" (Romans 3:23), that "nothing good" dwells in man (Romans 7:18), that our "hearts are deceitful above all" (Jeremiah 17:9), that human beings without God do not accept the things of the Spirit of God, "for they are folly to him" (1 Corinthians 2:14), that "no one is good except God alone" (Luke 18:19).
Still think you're beautiful just the way you are? I sure don't. I can't even trust my sinful heart because it is an idol factory. I am prone to worship the idol of self instead of God. My heart's tendencies are to believe the lies of the world and Satan... that I can be my own god, that I don't need to change, that I am perfect just the way I am.
The truth is, the solution to our unfulfilled longings is not within our sinful hearts, it's outside of us. Jesus Christ is the only solution. At the end of your life, you are going to stand before a just and holy God, and be judged. And you'll be judged either on the basis of my own righteousness–or lack of it–or the righteousness of another. The good news of the gospel is that Jesus lived a life of perfect righteousness, of perfect obedience to God, not for His own well being but for His people. He has done for me what I couldn’t possibly do for myself. But not only has He lived that life of perfect obedience, He offered Himself as a perfect sacrifice to satisfy the justice and the righteousness of God.
Turn from your disbelief and put your trust in Jesus Christ. Only by his grace can you be saved. And not just saved from hell, but saved from yourself (yes, you need to be saved from yourself). You can be free from bondage to sin and from the endless unfulfilling cycle you're living in. Without God, we are slaves to sin, but with him, we are free to live the joy-filled life he calls us to. Don't listen to the lies of the world, the truth cries out among the lies. Stop ignoring the truth. Repent and believe.
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.'" Matthew 16:24-25
13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, 4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Oh how I've meditated over this Psalm over and over again through the singing of it by Wells Cathedral Choir. It is what my soul cries out in this season of life. Such comfort and joy it brings.
I love pretty things. Most women use Pinterest for recipes, DIY projects, and style ideas... Meanwhile, I'm over here pinning paintings and illustrations. Recently, I've grown fond of fairy art. Most of the artists I have taken a liking to are from the late 1800s and early 1900s. I don't know why fairy art was so popular during that time but I am assuming it had to do with the illustrations that were needed for fairy-tale novels that were being published.
Marion St. John Webb, Margaret Tarrant, Rene Cloke, and Cicely Mary Barker are a few of the fairy artists I've found.
There's just a sweetness about their art. Some would find them too mystical but who doesn't love reminiscing about the mind of a child. I don't know. Maybe I am just weird. That's probably it. Maybe you're weird too. If so, enjoy...
Yesterday was hubby's first day at his legal externship for the Air Force. Isn't he handsome? Oh, and so is Mr. Walker, although he doesn't seem too enthused lol :)
Before this semester started, Eric warned me it would be the busiest one yet. I was a bit distraught by this warning because I felt like every other semester was busy! But so far, it's worked out okay. I do miss him at night three to four nights a week when he gets home late from trial practice but, in light of his warning, I made preparations to help him in any way possible. For example, I made three weeks worth of breakfast and lunch for him, so that he can just grab and go. That's been super helpful for him and me! I also make sure to have laundry, dishes, and house picked up before he gets home. Overall, I've upped my organizational skills just a bit and it's really worked out. I know what you're thinking-- Humble brag! Well, kind of, but really just glad to have found a routine that works for us to help eliminate stress this semester!
On another note, I've been awful lonely and have been seeking ways to resolve this. I made a few new friends this week, which is a feat for an introvert like me! But I am working through some ways I can meet new people and invest in relationships while Eric is busy/gone.
One more random note, I went to the doctor this week for what I thought was a sebaceous cyst on my ear lobe (ew) but it was just a tiny abscess from my earring. Anyways, while I was there, I asked him about the keto diet (which I've been on for months -- high fat, low carb) and I told him I just feel so sick on it... as if I am lacking nutrients. I don't usually feel this way at first, but after being on it for a while, I start to question if it is right for me.
He sighed and told me not to fall for sham diets like keto, atkins, southbeach diet, etc. He said I felt like crap because we NEED carbs and told me "You do not need to be losing weight, you're at a perfect weight for your height." and "If you would like to follow some sort of diet plan, I would follow the Mediterranean diet."
I then asked about my low blood pressure... every time I go to the doctor and a nurse checks my blood pressure, it's always the same response, "Wow! You have really low blood pressure!! We might want to ask the doctor about this!"
So I asked him and he rolled his eyes at the nurse's responses and said, "I'm not worried at all. You're young, you're female, you're skinny... You're prone to having low blood pressure. I am going to tell you the opposite of what I tell my other patients.. EAT MORE SALT!"
So there you have it, folks... Doctor's orders... more carbs, more salt, and less dieting! Wow... that probably made my week. I came home and told hubs, "Doc says I don't need to lose weight! He said I was skinny!" lol, Eric said, "I've been telling you this for years!" This is the mind of a former anorexic, exercise-bulimic... I have to keep telling myself, "Doc says I'm fine". The older I get, the more I love modern medicine... I'm sorry but I would rather trust a guy with a PhD who has gone to medical school than a crunchy mama who suddenly becomes an expert at vaccines by birthing a child and reading sites with names like hippy dirt mama dot com. And I ain't afraid of "Big Pharma" hahaha.
So tonight, I'm eating a big salad, some whole grains, and a glass or two of red wine! And I'm not gonna feel guilty. Woot!
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided, Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me! Summer and winter and springtime and harvest, Sun, moon and stars in their courses above Join with all nature in manifold witness To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
My favorite part of my day is my walk with Walker. Getting at least 10,000 steps in every day is not so bad at all. I get to be outside, rain or shine, ice or snow, experiencing the little beautiful blessings God provides in nature. Here's this morning's sky. No filter needed :)
How great is thy faithfulness, Oh Lord. Just as the hymn says, "Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided."
The sun rises every morning, usually illuminating the sky in a new, glorious fashion. It is a reminder that His mercies are new every morning. Every sunrise is the mark of a new day, new mercies, new grace filled to the brim, sufficient for the day.
"When morning guilds the skies, my heart awaking cries, may Jesus Christ be praised." (Edward Caswall)
I have hesitated writing about this for a long time. I haven't been very public about this part of my life. At all really. A few people at my church know, my family (most of them) know, but otherwise, it's just me and my husband. For the past 13 months, we've been unable to get pregnant. After one year of unsuccessful attempts, doctors slap the "infertile" label on you. Trust me, it's like the scarlet letter. I've been tested for a few different infertility issues. Nothing. As far as we know, at this point, I am one of 2% of women in the United States with "Unexplained Infertility". No PCOS, no endometriosis, I am ovulating on my own with perfect 28-32 day cycles... no explanation whatsoever.
If I could explain to you how difficult this has been, my words would still not suffice to properly describe the amount of pain Eric and I have experienced. It is beyond words. It is a pain so deep, and so foreign, and so incredibly lonely... I don't think anyone could understand unless they walked through it themselves. That is partly why I have avoided sharing this with anyone.
Look, this is my blog. No one reads it. Maybe a few lurkers, but as far as I know, it's an unknown blog and not exactly on anyone else's blog roll. So if you've stumbled upon this particular entry, please know that this is a safe place for me. A place to share my very expressive heart. If you know me in real life, and you read this, please do not treat me any differently than you already do (unless you've been a jerk lol). Anyways...
The most difficult, I am not exaggerating, MOST difficult part about walking through infertility is the comments people make. Now, most people who have never walked through a mammoth amount of pain in their life would probably say, "Come on, stop being so sensitive!" If that's you, please hear me out. Being infertile is incredibly lonely. No one understands what you're going through. That being said, some people don't know how to respond when they find out someone is struggling to get pregnant. One would think there would remain even a minute amount of decency and reason, but alas, there are folks who do not think before they speak. So here are some things I've heard this past year that make me want to pull my hair out:
1) You need to just RELAX!
2) Once you stop stressing about it, you'll get pregnant!
3) Have you tried ______ ? (insert uninvited advice, i.e. Putting your feet up after sex, taking cold medicine, using preseed, eating sweet potatoes, doing this cleanse, cutting out sugar, etc.)
4) Just adopt! Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant!
5) You're not trusting God enough.
Do you know what these comments do? They put the blame on me. I already put enough unnecessary blame on myself. If you happen to find out that a woman in your life is infertile, please refrain from giving advice of any kind.
The next painful part has been feeling like less of a woman because I am childless. All I have ever wanted and dreamed of is to be a mom. That's all. Just a mom. I've never had any long-term career goals, I've never wanted to travel (psh who cares about traveling when you can raise a family!), I've never wanted to accomplish anything other than living in my tiny little corner of the universe, raising my kids, and loving my husband. But God wants me to wait... maybe forever... I don't know.
Did you know that God is sovereign over the womb? Yeah, most people do not learn this, particularly if they have no problem getting pregnant. Let me tell you something... I know more than the average woman about the reproductive organs, about the miracle of life, about the egg, sperm, fertilization, implantation... the whole shebang... than the average woman knows. That happens when you trying to get pregnant for a long time, you become a walking encyclopedia about conception, pregnancy, a woman's body, etc. And you know what the biggest take away has been.... Life is a freaking miracle. A MIRACLE! The journey the sperm takes to meet the egg... that ALONE is a miracle. Unbelievable odds it has beaten just to reach the egg. Don't even get me started about the rest of the process. It's miraculous that any of us are here.
All that to say, there are way too many people who do not understand this. They walk around with their three little kids like, "Yeah, I did this! Me and my husband just decided to get pregnant and so we did the deed and *poof*! Here they are! We made a baby!" Let me tell you... NO, YOU DIDN'T. God did! God decided you would have a baby, God did a freaking miracle and made the sperm meet the egg, fertilized the egg, made the embryo travel down the fallopian tube over a 6-10 day period, implanting it into the uterine lining, and if all conditions are right (and I'm talking about a lot of specific conditions have to be just right) it then grows over the course of 9 months and is born into this crazy world.
As I said, God is sovereign over the womb. I've had to learn this the hard way and so have 1 in 6 women that struggle with infertility. This means that God, in his sovereign and perfect will, has closed my womb. Just as he sovereignly decided to make you a mom, he sovereignly decided to withhold children from me for now. It's been the most sanctifying process of my life.
About 6 months into this journey, my heart began rebelling against God. I began to wonder if I had unrepentant sin in my life, if I was being punished, if God really loved me at all. I began to question God's goodness.
"Lord, this is a good thing that I want. You give it to irresponsible, teenage, unmarried kids, you give it to crack head prostitutes, heck, you gave a baby to Britney Spears for crying out loud... but not to me? Why? Why not me, Lord?"
For months, I cried endless tears. Every failed month, every cycle that ended in a negative test, another period.... every month was another painful reminder. On top of that, pregnancy announcements everywhere. People began asking, "When are you two going to have children?" I had to respond nonchalantly, "We're trying" with a smile. It was as if I had a glass filled with hope. When we began trying a year ago, that glass was filled to the brim, and every month, a little bit poured out... a little bit here and there... and then, empty. gone. no more hope.
A few months back, I finally came to the end of myself.
I couldn't do it anymore. I had done two rounds of fertility drugs, seen two different specialists, and was about to commit to my first IUI cycle, and I quit. I canceled all of my appointments and put up my white flag. "Lord, I surrender to you. I'm done. Here are my hopes and dreams... I'm laying them at your feet. Do whatever you want."
That was not easy for me but I felt I had no choice. At first I surrendered bitterly. It was clear God didn't want this for me and I couldn't do anything about it.
And then I began to hear that still, small voice -- the Holy Spirit's conviction. I had loved this invisible, make-believe child more than God. I had been treating God like my genie. I was not spending any alone time with him, I hardly ever read my Bible, I only prayed during the two-week-wait (google that if you're clueless), but every month, once my period came again, I pouted and turned my back on God.
It became clear to me that God was not on the throne of my heart. He was not my first love. I had warped and twisted the loves of my heart and put "baby" on the throne. Everything I did, thought about, every decision I made was influenced by my desire to have a baby. The money we spent on doctors and drugs and natural supplements... all for this idol I was worshipping in my heart.
Do you know what happens when God is not the first love of your life? Pain, a fruitless life, anxiety, anger, emptiness. What did I expect? I was running after the wind. It was all vanity.
_______________________________________________________________________ "God I need you"
I finally realized how much I needed God. I needed his comfort. I needed to know him more and to love him more! For my own sanity, I needed him to take over. I was willing to do whatever it took.
I've always heard Christians talk about freedom and joy in Christ but I'm not sure I ever experienced this fully. Maybe in small parts of my life I did. I knew I was forgiven, I knew I had eternal life, I knew God had a plan... but I was still in bondage.
It was as if God had unchained me, set me free from a futile life of pain and misery, and instead of running out of the jail cell to experience God and the fullness of joy he had for me, I stayed in the jail cell.
Infertility changed that.
After wrestling with God for several months, I finally realized how much I had lacked him in my life.
All this time, I had been trying to bend his will to mine. Instead, I should have been bending my will to his!
"Thy will be done"
And so I began on a new journey. It was time to get really serious about my faith. I took some serious measures to do so and have since experienced the freedom and fullness I was lacking.
First, I began to thank him. Yes... I thanked him for my infertility. "Lord, I don't understand why you are withholding a baby from me but I know it is for my good and your glory. Maybe you are protecting me from a very difficult situation, maybe you are preparing me for something great. Whatever it is, thank you!"
I then began evaluating my priorities. My excuse for not spending time with God was always, "I don't have time!" So how could I make more time? I needed to make sacrifices. My heart felt immediately convicted about my Facebook usage. I deleted it right away and have been off it ever since (maybe indefinitely), I eventually felt convicted about ALL social media usage and deleted my Instagram as well.
Eric and I had a serious talk about how we had not been investing in our relationship with God. We had not been sold out for him or even treating him for who he was... God!
So we both cut down drastically on TV time. We decided to read faith-based/theology books in our free time.
I then became more intentional with the types of entertainment I was choosing by asking questions like, "Is this going to negatively influence me? Will this glorify God? Will it benefit me in any way?" I began a search for resources that would help me grow in this time of need... I found a few Christian women bloggers who share about their growth through infertility, I've begun listening to more Christian podcasts (Revive Our Hearts has been a Godsend!), and I am finally reading more than I have in years. I try to stick to the old mantra "Garbage In, Garbage Out" when choosing what to watch, read, listen to these days.
Next, I became more serious about studying the Word of God. I began researching different methods that work for other people and came up with a routine that has worked for me so far. You wouldn't believe what that alone has done for me. The more time I spend in God's Word, the more proper view and understanding I have of who God is. That changes everything! There's just an unending amount of wisdom and knowledge in His Word. I will never be done learning about him and his greatness.
Another change I made was being more intentional in my prayer life. I set up a prayer notebook (Coolest thing ever, FYI) to help structure my prayer life more and to give me motivation to pray. My prayer life before was sporadic and mostly me begging God for a baby. Now, it is much more structured, intentional, scriptural, and fruitful!
Finally, I began seeking what God wants for my life. I found that he is clearly calling me to be a wife to Eric (duh!) so I began really investing in my role as a wife and homemaker (Eric's not complaining about that lol), I also found that my heart for adoption has grown. I am still praying about it a lot but God is definitely growing our hearts toward the possibility of adoption. If God is calling me to be a mom and yet he's closed my womb, I think it's pretty clear that adoption is what I am called to. Either way, I am saying, "Yes, Lord!" to whatever he sends my way.
The Greatest Blessing
I never thought I'd say it but I think infertility has been the greatest blessing in my life thus far. Nothing has made me run toward God harder than this... and anything that makes me need God is a blessing in the end. He truly has led me beside still waters and restored my soul.
Do I still pray for a baby? Yes, fervently. But my heart is more tuned toward God's will for my life. I am much more willing now than before to say "Yes" to him even if he never opens my womb. Do I still have hard days? YES. Not as many as before but, even today was a hard one, and that is what prompted me to write this post. I still have areas that I will always be working on. No one will be perfect or totally unhindered by sin on this side of eternity. But God is not pleased with our perfection... He is pleased with our progress.
Like I said, I doubt this will even be read by anyone. It was written more for me than anyone else. I am a little bit incognito not being on social media any more so I figure people who actually care about me will seek me out and possibly find this. If you are one of those people, I love you. And I hope this was encouraging for you.
I want to close with this song. When I first heard it, I was out on a walk with my dog. I cried. And then I listened to it again and again... and cried some more. I will wait for God because he can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could ever do.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a]6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
We adopted our dog, Walker from Second Chance Animal Shelter in Norman, OK.
I spotted him one afternoon after work. I came to the shelter, decided NOT to tell my husband because I was "just looking".
Ha! That changed quickly when I did my rounds of all the adoptable dogs and fell in love.
It really was love at first sight. Walker was in a large cage with a blue heeler in the far corner of the property.
I'll never forget. I walked up to the cage and the blue heeler was hyper and jumping and barking for my attention. Walker simply walked up, sniffed my hand, and turned around and went back into his doggy house and went back to sleep.
I looked him square in the eye and said, "There you are. You're the one I'm taking home with me."
I knew it. I could tell his temperament would mesh well with my husband and I, since we are easy-going people. I ran back inside to the front desk and asked, "Can you tell me about that Coonhound out there?"
The employee said, "Oh Walker?? He's so sweet. We all love him so much. He was adopted here as a puppy and the owner severely neglected him, didn't feed him, and used him as a hunting dog. He was shot at and abused. She returned him here claiming that he didn't get along with her other dogs and that he had been a stray for several years. Of course we think she's lying because he gets along great with other dogs here. He's our favorite. He's been here a while and we all say we would cry if he ever got adopted."
Well, we adopted him that day, and yes, the employees cried and all told us wonderful stories about Walker. We kept his name because he's 6 and we didn't want to confuse him. Plus, we like it. "Walker... Texas Ranger" lol...
It's been three months and he has never had an accident in the house, he sleeps most of the day but is athletic and energized when I take him out for a walk/run. He has great endurance and always keeps up with me on runs. He loves to pretend he's a lap dog and climb up on me while I'm on the couch. He LOVES belly rubs and when I scratch his butt lol.
Walker loves to follow me around. I've never owned an animal who was completely attached to me so this is new for me and I can't complain. He's a loving, affection companion who wants to smell EVERYTHING lol... Whether I'm doing the laundry or cleaning the kitchen, he needs to put his nose into what I'm doing.
Thankfully, he's been a wonderful indoor dog. He doesn't lick, chew, destruct, or bark. And he definitely doesn't bite. He does make a great guard dog though because, the rare times he does bark (which is when it's really necessary), it's a deep and assertive bark. We love it.
Everywhere I go, people tell me "That is such a pretty dog" and I have to agree. His coloring is beautiful and his build and stature are almost regal.
Oh my Walker, bud. You've been a natural anti-depressant for me. I am seriously a happier person because of him. Thank you God, for making dogs. Especially my dog.
