My story about eating disorders and God's grace...

So today I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart. I don’t know if that’s the right phrase… but this specific topic is to blame for about 80% of the negative things in my past that I am still healing from.

I’ll start from the beginning. I come from a very beautiful family. I know this because we’d often get comments from strangers and friends alike. Yes, it’s nice having inherited good genes but before you think I am totally self-absorbed, let me pull the curtains back a bit. 

Beneath my family’s beauty has always been a deep pressure to do all that one can to be and stay beautiful. With that said, the word “beauty” in our society often correlates to exclusive words like, “skinny”, “tan”, “beautiful  hair”, “nice smile”, etc. At least this was the shallow definition of beauty I was led to believe as a young girl. 

From the time I was probably around 5, I remember my mom complaining about different parts of her body. Of course, being a small child, I didn’t know this was an issue or that it would eventually help to shape my own self-esteem issues. My parents may have gained their shallow view of beauty from other spheres of influence, and I don’t blame them considering how twisted the media can be.  Whether my parents realized it or not, one’s shape and appearance became placed on a high pedestal in our home. 

I can recollect hundreds of times as a child, being in public and hearing my parents snicker about an overly large woman in their sight. Of course it all seemed playful in the moment but I learned soon enough that being fat meant being laughed at, and being laughed at meant you were nothing.  

It all began to worsen when my mother got plastic surgery on a part of her body that she didn’t like. At the time, I didn’t know exactly what was going on. All I knew was that if you didn’t like a part of how God created you, you fixed it. No matter the cost. I wish I knew what I know now so that I could tell her how beautiful she already was and that her idea of “beauty” was a product of the lies we hear on television and in magazines.

As I got older and my body matured with puberty, all of these past lessons began to more actively shape how I treated my body and also what I thought of my overall value and worth. I signed up for cross-country my freshman year of high school because I knew it would be an outlet for my love for running. And it was! However, it also produced an appetite like that of a sixteen-year-old boy.

The harder I trained, the more I ate to fuel my body, and the better I got. My build went from being a string bean to a power house. It wasn’t long until I had discovered that my body was shaped differently than the bodies of some of the more elite, high school runners. While watching invitational races, I would sit back and admire the top runners’ slender gazelle-like legs, their thigh gaps, and their six pack abs. “I want that.” I remember thinking. I was willing to do whatever it took to attain THAT type of beauty.

By my junior year I learned about portion control and low-fat diets. Before long, I was cutting one thing after another from my diet. Fats, animal proteins, sugars, you name it. I was basically a fruitarian. All I ate was fruits and vegetables. In no more than two months, I was down almost 20 pounds and EVERYONE noticed considering I was nowhere close to being overweight before. All of my running peers told me how great I looked, my parents applauded me for what appeared to be the product of good off-season training, and I was pursued by even more guys at school. Come track season, I had cut almost 2 minutes in the two-mile. Who knew being thin could bring so much happiness!? As long as I could maintain my low weight, I would be fulfilled.

This high did not last for long. About six months into my low-weight maintenance, I was experiencing a bodily break-down. My energy levels were extremely low and I could hardly walk to class without shortness of breath. My face broke out in acne like it had never before. I was highly emotional and, the scariest part of all, I had not gotten my period in months! Blood tests checked my ferritin levels to see if I was anemic. The low to normal range was anywhere between 15-30. I was a 2. My doctor diagnosed me with severe anemia.

No problem, I thought. I can take iron supplements and not compromise my eating and exercise routines. Wrong. The liquid iron was not going to be nearly as effective until I began eating normally again. Despite this, I did everything in my power to avoid weight gain. It wasn’t until my high school coach said something to me that I finally admitted my problem. He sent my parents an email saying he was concerned I had Female Athlete Triad. Here’s a proper definition from femaleathletetriad.org:

The Female Athlete Triad is a syndrome of three interrelated conditions that exist on a continuum of severity, including:

• Energy Deficiency with or without Disordered Eating

• Menstrual Disturbances/Amenorrhea

• Bone Loss/Osteoporosis

“Yep, that’s me!” I thought. It wasn’t long until my dad really pressed me to start eating more and exercising less. Before long I was back to a healthy weight and my energy levels normalized. 

Fast forward 2 years: I’m in college looking at some recent photos my mom took of me while running an invitational. “Wow!” I remember thinking, “I look HUGE!” Tears began to roll down my face as I compared myself once again to the stick-thin runners beside me in the photo. A couple weeks and self-pep-talks later, I was back on a strict diet while training harder than before.

You can probably guess what came next. Yep. Faster times, compliments from peers and teammates, and one heck of a self-esteem. I felt on top of the world. 

Until…

Six months later, still dropping weight, muscle included, I lost my period again, this time it would be gone for a whole year. Soon the terrible acne was back and due to my high dosage of daily liquid iron, I was just getting by on my iron levels. 

Before making this story any longer than it already is, I’ll give the rest to you in a nutshell. My obsessive eating and exercising habits led me to more problems than I’d like to list. From menstrual, to digestive, to immunity issues, I was fed up and eventually lost my love for running. I quit the team just before my senior year of college, giving up my full scholarship, moving on to create a more healthy balance in my life. Well, that was easier said than done. The bad habits followed me and my doctor eventually put me on the pill to help get my cycle back.

So why am I sharing this? I’ll tell you why. Since quitting running, I fell in love with my now husband, Eric. Through his unconditional love despite my past and struggles, he continually showed me Christ in a much deeper sense than I had ever known. You see, I had become a Christian in college, while in the midst of the second round of my full-fledged eating disorder. Despite my new identity in Christ, I still deeply struggled with old habits. Through Eric’s patience with me, I’ve come to better understand God’s love in Christ. 

Because of what Jesus has done for me, I am set free from these chains! No longer do I need to earn my worth in this world by cutting back on the joys of food. No longer do I need to pound miles into the concrete in order to justify my existence while wearing a size 2! I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator. He loves me so much that he sent his only son Jesus Christ to die in my place, nailing my sins to the cross so that I can stand justified and righteous, without blemish before The Father. For so long I stood in the jail cell with my chains undone. By God’s precious grace, I am learning to step and stay out of the jail cell one step at a time. 

In just over 2 years, I’ve let go of my obsession for running and have tried new things. My wonderful husband has given me so much grace and encouragement as I strive to live a life that glorifies God rather than a selfish life that chains me down in misery. I’ve discovered a different kind of beauty in myself and am learning to embrace a softer, more feminine figure. Don’t get me wrong, I love being active but I also love being free to be who God has created me to be without the stress of appearance. 

Ladies, we were not created to have 8% body fat and boxy abs! From the research I’ve done, I am not alone in this struggle. Many women and especially women-athletes, struggle from eating disorders and amenorrhea (loss of period). I could very well struggle with years of infertility because of my past sins. I sure hope not, but it’s very possible! 

I guess what I’m trying to say is… don’t settle for the shallow definition of beauty that our culture preaches. If you want beauty, look at Jesus. Look at what he’s done for you on the cross. You can be set free from these bondages. Do I still struggle? Absolutely! But I am miles away from what I used to be. And guess what. God is not finished with me yet! 

I hope that my story can shed some light on the hidden epidemic occurring in the lives of many females. Most of all, I hope it testifies to the power of Christ in me. He is, indeed, our only hope.

Keeping Up With the Joneses

I feel as if I’ve just gotten off the craziest ride of my life: A new job, graduation, my parents’ divorce, my wedding, moving twice, big decisions on law school and other things. It’s finally beginning to feel like I am easing into a rhythm. As Eric puts it, we are “coasting” now. 

Why did I initially feel guilt when I realized how much I enjoy this “coasting” season?

I can tell you why.

It stems from a pressure to never be stagnant, to never settle, and to always chase the extraordinary.

That said, I’ve recently been pondering on the idea of being ordinary. I know I’ve blogged about this before, however, I have been reading more on the topic and, as a result, my outlook on life is dramatically changing.

In Michael Horton’s book Ordinary, Horton writes about the greatest fear Christians have today: BEING ORDINARY.

We want the “next-big-thing” and we want it now! We are pressured by different churches and ministries to live a “radical” faith as if that means becoming a missionary, selling all of our possessions, and “really living for Jesus!” Are my husband and I really that lame if we live a simple life, drive paid-for cars, are practically debt-free, still live in the city I grew up in, and aren’t keeping up with trends or buying a home right away? Society tells us, “Yes! You are lame!”

But what if by chasing our “wildest dreams” we are actually avoiding the life and ministry God has ordained for us? He’s placed each of us in a sphere of people, on a tiny dot on the globe, in a breath of history. What if God works best through the seemingly meaningless, mundane parts of life?

Think about it, how did anyone in history ever make a difference without the small conversations, meaningless decisions, and everydayness of the life God gave them?

I believe God does work best through the ordinary. How? Look at the gospel. Did Jesus come into this world as an authoritative knight on a white horse? Did he die a noble death with a smile on his face before crowds of fans? Did he only approach the rich, wise, and extraordinary? Actually, NO, NO, and NO.

The gospel is completely counter intuitive. Jesus came into this world as a helpless baby; he died a painful death by those and for those who scorned him. He was not the least bit “cool”. (Was riding a donkey cool back then? Nope.) He was mocked, hated, and chastised just as he is to this day. Christ humbled himself in order to save us. 

“For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich.” 2 Corinthians 8:9

This unexpected nature of the gospel is displayed throughout the entire Bible. Time and time again, God uses ordinary and insignificant means to meet his end. He comes to save sinners, he eats with the lowly, and he converses with the outcasts. God’s strength works best through weakness and his redemption plan unfolds in the everydayness and ordinariness of life.  

So how has this impacted my life? Let’s just say a HUGE load has been lifted off of my shoulders as I rest in God’s promises. I can rest knowing that my Father in Heaven is working through my small, ordinary life. “He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.” 1 Thes. 5:24

It is evident that once you get married it’s all about “keeping up with the Joneses”. Eric and I have already seen this in just the short months we’ve been married. There are invisible benchmarks and milestones that we are expected to meet in x amount of time. Here's an example of how most people aim to live their lives in order to achieve an unachievable extraordinariness.

1. Make lots of money
2. Travel
3. Get married
4. Continue to make lots of money
5. Buy house
6. Have babies
7. Continue to display socioeconomic superiority over peers and look down on those who do not follow steps 1-6.

Sound exhausting? Yeah, I agree. No thanks!! 

Imagine competitive Person A says to you: “Well I did            and my husband did             and we are just so wonderful!” Now think about how freeing it would be if you just didn’t care! 

“Good for you!” you say in response.

Just ponder on this for a while: Christ lived the life we should have lived and died the death we should have died. The moment we believed, his justification and righteousness were given to us.

It is finished! I am justified and free. I do not need to keep up with the Joneses because, quite frankly, I don’t feel like giving the Joneses permission to run my life by continuously raising a bar that I don’t have the time and energy to meet.

Christian, it is time to start living the life God has given you, as ordinary as it is. We are called to keep our eyes fixed on the prize, Jesus Christ. When we get caught up in “keeping up” or the “next-big-thing” we miss out on what God has for us in the lives he has placed us in.

In sum, this is a journey my husband and I are embarking on. We’ve been set free from the burdensome life of chasing after the wind. Fixing our eyes on Jesus, we are justified and free to be faithful to the ordinary life he’s called us to live. It will always be a challenge to avoid slipping back into how the world thinks, but I hope you let this truth remove your chains and give you rest.  

 

P.S. this is me on our Honeymoon in Tahoe. No, I do not miss my long hair :-)

Marriage Life and Thoughts on Our Future...

So, it's been a million years since I have written anything on my blog. I decided maybe it was time to write a little update on life since I'm, you know, married and all.

Eric and I got married on January 10th, 2015!

It went PERFECTLY. Here's a video:

 

Wow, can you believe it?! 

Yeah neither can I.

Sometimes I look at Eric and think, "Holy cow, we're married! I'm a wife! You're my husband!" 

And yes, it does give me happy butterflies. 

God has really provided more than either of us ever prayed for or imagined. (and we prayed A LOT)

I am working full-time for christianaudio Inc. as a Production Information Coordinator/ Wholesale Account Assistant (I know. long title.) 

Eric got hired on as a Senior Sales Team Leader for Target. He loves it so far!

Here's just a little secret: 

Eric and I had been musing over the idea of him attending law school.

Yes, LAW SCHOOL.

He's a smarty pants and has always been interested in the legal field. 

So what became of this musing? Well, he took the LSAT. Didn't do as good as he had hoped (based on previous practice tests)... but we said WHAT THE HECK! and just decided to apply to law school.

In a few months we were left with 3 solid options. They don't sound very attractive to most but, nonetheless, I was excited.  

University of Nebraska-Lincoln,

University of Kansas,

& University of Oklahoma.

I know what you're thinking. "Ew! The Midwest??"

Yep. He's a Midwest boy. And, hey, I would love to live anywhere cheaper than California!

Soooo.. what became of these options? Well, we REALLY considered them. Like REALLY. 

There were days we were totally sure we'd end up in one of these places.

Here are some things we learned about law school that determined our decision-making process:

1. Law School is A LOT of money! Yes, even the cheapest ones (which happen to be all three of our options) are at least $100,000 total. YUCK! That's a lot of loans. 
2. Where one decides to go to law school is where one will most likely end up practicing law for the rest of their life. Yes, this means we would be Huskers, Jayhawks, or Sooners FOR LIFE!
3. The legal market SUCKS right now. This is something we were warned about by many people. Unless you go to a top 14 school, your chances of finding a job are very slim. 
4. If he ends up practicing in any of these states, there's a high chance we will not be making enough to pay off the loans as quickly as we would desire to. No, not all lawyers are filthy rich.
5. "But a law degree looks great on your resume even if you don't become an attorney!" FALSO! It's actually like wearing scarlet letter. You'll either be overqualified and/or considered a flake for not becoming a lawyer like you originally set out to do.
6. And finally, Lawyers have the highest dissatisfaction rate of all careers and it is VERY difficult to make a career change if you desire to do so.

Here are some PROS to staying where we're at:

1. We want to start a family. Yes, eventually I'm going to start popping out babies (Lord-willing) and we do not want to do this until we are financially stable. If we went to law school, we'd potentially have to wait another 5 years before that time comes! With the hopes of 4 kids, that means I'd be pushing 36 when we have our last child. We don't really want that.
2. We both want me to be a stay-at-home mom. Again, this would mean living on one income. We most likely won't be able to do that while in $100,000 debt.
3. Eric has a great job. God has truly blessed us with Eric's job as a Senior Team Leader at Target. There seems to be a promising future ahead with growth-opportunities. Again, this is all in the Lord's hands.
4. I love my job. Yes, I really really do. I would HATE to leave so quickly!
5. We are closer to family. Yes, California is ridiculously expensive compared to other states, but there's nothing like being close to family. I do want my children to see their grandparents more than once a year!

CONS of staying in California:

• THE WEATHER: Sorry guys, I am a storm-chaser at heart. I don't care what you say, California loses points for having extremely unexciting weather! I want snow, storms, and tornadoes. Yes, tornadoes.

So, by now you can probably guess what our decision is.
We've had long talks about this ... very long talks. And, ultimately, Eric calls the shots. This was HIS dream.

Thankfully, I have an amazing husband who respects and serves me even though he is the head of our home. He would rather ensure that he is the provider he's called to be than put our family in danger by making a foolish decision. (Disclaimer: I fully support Eric and his dreams. But thankfully he honors his calling as a husband and future father more than his career)

Once in pre-marital counseling, 

Eric pointed to me and said to our pastor, "I want to be a provider for them."  

"Them?" I thought, sitting on the other end of the couch by myself. 

By "them" he was referring to our future children. Oh how my heart fluttered when he said that! He is awesome.

We are very, very blessed right where we are. 

 P.S. I chopped my hair off

 xoxo. Chelsey Meissner

Being little bitty...

You know what I love?

Being... ordinary. 

That's right... all lower-case, ordinary.

I didn't always feel this way. In high school, I remember striving towards an unachievable status. It was silly, really. My mindset was that if I wasn't rich, stick-skinny, and "successful" and if I didn't marry an upper-class, gregarious smooth-talker by the time I was 30 then I'd be settling for less. And by settling for less, I would consequently be less happy.

Let's just say I am SO glad God snapped me out of that mindset. 

Sometimes it takes getting little tastes of all the things you once desired to finally realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side...

God's plan for my life is blossoming into something much more beautiful than my teenage mind could have fathomed. If someone had told me at 16 that I would be getting married at 23, with countless uncertainties ahead, and NOT to a man loaded with money... I probably wouldn't have believed it. 

The truth is, however, I love my ordinary life! It reminds me of that old Alan Jackson song, "It's alright to be little bitty."

Really, though.. I'm happy being little bitty! 

I love my humble, handsome fiance, who is just as inexperienced in life as I am. 

I love that we are both broke and that we'll have to budget like crazy.

I love that we'll be starting out in a tiny, little place.

I love that our marriage will be filled with sanctifying trials and difficulties.

I love that the pretty, little ring on my finger is little.

I love that Eric doesn't care that I shop at shrift stores and don't keep up with the latest styles.

I love that the most special moments I've had with Eric have been little moments: the special little "just because" gifts he gives me, the spontaneous "I love you"s, the inexpensive dates he takes me on, the chivalry of opening the door for me without fail,  and the way he smiles at me and says, "Wow, your eyes" while admiring my tired, no-makeup face.

I didn't settle for less, I settled for more.

Next week I am getting married. My wedding won't be the wedding of the year, nor will it be perfectly Pinterest in every way. But you see, that's not the point. My wedding won't be MY wedding. It will be OURS.

This is our story. Our itty bitty story woven perfectly into an extraordinary, BIGGER story written by our wonderful Maker.

Being ordinary is so beautifully exciting.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

You know that popular saying, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"? Well, I happen to think that is such a silly, American thing to say. Why? Because it doesn't always work that way. Suffering can break or make someone but whether it does one or the other is conditional upon one thing: the origin of their strength. How someone turns out after being put through the wringer is completely determined by whether or not they relied completely on human effort to survive the hardship. 

Many of us have been through dark times. Many of us know what it feels like to have the rug pulled out from under us and left asking the most common question asked in the midst of suffering: "Why me?"

In America, we pull up our boot straps, grab the bull by its horns, and say, "I can do this!" The pressure of getting through a storm all by yourself, is tremendous, especially under the impression that everything is up to you and that your destiny is in your hands. Your own strength will prove time and time again to be counterfeit and therefore insufficient. 

In order to come out alive and refined, strength must come to us. It must derive from a place outside of ourselves. We, as human beings, are inherently weak. We see clear evidence of this all around the world, every single day. Even if an individual appears to be able to rely on their own strength, there will always be something that reveals their weakness. Perhaps it's divorce, losing their home, death of a loved one, financial trouble. When we put our hope in people and/or things, we are bound to despair when those people or things are taken from us. 

I know this to be true in my own life. When I was a runner, competing at the collegiate level, doing well in races was an ultimate thing in my life. I was reminded of this idolatry every time I did poorly in a race, especially an important race. I would cry and wrestle with God and beneath every, "Why me?" I felt as if I was being punished. This opened my eyes to the fact that success in running was the god in my life and a very lame and untrustworthy god at that. 

Although suffering is never easy, I can look back in retrospect and say that I am so glad God allowed challenges and heart-wrenching circumstances to come upon me. Why? Because if it were not for the landslides in my life, I would not have known that I had built my life on a poor foundation. 

It was through hardships that God opened my eyes to the truth of the gospel.  I discovered that when I put my hope in Christ, I can never lose. In fact, when we hope in Him we are more than conquerors. 

"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 

Christ suffered the ultimate punishment so that we might have life. This means that when we are in Him, we will always have hope. In good times and bad times, Christ in me. When I lose all of my possessions, Christ in me. When a loved one betrays me, Christ in me. When my dreams are shot down, Christ in me. When I am mocked for my faith, Christ in me. When I am tortured, laughed at, even killed for being a Christian, Christ in me. Nothing can separate me from this eternal hope. 

Romans 8:35-39 says, 

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

We cannot know the reason God allows suffering in our lives but one thing is for sure: our sufferings are not signs of God punishing us because Christ already took the punishment on the cross. 

You see, Christ offers us the greatest gift of all: eternal life. This life begins now, on this side of eternity. We can be weak in tough times because God fights for us. In our weakness, He is strong in us. When we walk through the fire, we come out as refined gold.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

Perhaps you are going through a rough time right now. If so, please hear me out. Surrender to the one who knows you best and cares for you most. Come to the cross. Kneel before God and know this: He is strong, He is faithful, and if you trust in Him, you can have life everlasting and a hope that withstands all of life's storms. 

Lessons Learned

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged. I assure you, life has been crazy, but the real reason for my lack of blogging is just not feeling like I have one single idea to blog about. In other words, my fear was that I would be so sporadic, no one would be able to follow my thoughts!

Anyways, wedding plans are slowly coming along. Almost 3 months until the big day and, with a lot of help from family, the major stuff is already done. Now it's just the tedious details I need to work on!

I am definitely learning about myself in this whole process. One thing I've noticed is that I am actually quite terrible at being the "Bride-to-be". Many brides envision their wedding day and its details down to the tee. They know the exact dress they want, the exact theme the wedding will be, the colors, the flowers, the cake, the music, etc. They have a planning binder, a budget spreadsheet, and have rehearsed walking down the aisle more times than necessary.

See... that is just not me! I wish it were because it would probably make things easier, but its not. When I went wedding dress shopping, my consultant asked me what kind of dress I had in mind. Of course I sat there with a blank stare and said, "Umm, I really have no idea."

The very first wedding venue we visited was also the last. I decided it was a nice, affordable venue, and we booked it. What's especially funny is when I try to explain to others what my wedding theme will be, it often sounds something like, "Well, I just don't know yet... maybe I'll know the theme on my wedding day!"

You see, my wedding may turn out to be just like me... sporadic and all over the place! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my wedding dress and venue and am happy with all other wedding plans, but I sure have learned a lot about myself in the midst of each decision!

Another thing I have learned in this messy time is how different Eric and I respond to stressful situations. I have probably had 4 crying episodes in the past 3 months... each episode has been about something totally not worth crying about. Eric, on the other hand, has been my rock. He's so calm in every storm, always pointing me back to Christ, and when I cry about silly little things, he offers a reassuring smile and hours of his time to talk me through it.

Yes, it is so cliche and cheesy. And yes, I am young and probably very naive... But when I look at Eric and hear his godly words of reassurance, I am reminded why I am willingly walking through all of this. When I look at him, I am given a testament to God's mighty provision in my life.

No, I certainly do not have a fairy tale view of marriage, nor do I think everything will be "happily-ever-after" once we tie the knot, but I do know it will be worth it. I do know that I will be sanctified, refined, and given a perfect picture of the gospel through the messiness and struggles of marriage. I do know that the stresses I face now are probably minuscule in comparison to the difficulties marriage will bring BUT I also know, above all else, that at the end of my life I will not regret the decision to marry Eric. We are on this journey together, with eternity in mind, two sinners being sanctified through the gift of marriage.

The journey that lies ahead is in God's hands, and I know He is for us. With Christ, we will come out in the end more beautiful than we would have in a perfect and safe life. Oh how good is the Father's love.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18