So today I want to talk about something near and dear to my heart. I don’t know if that’s the right phrase… but this specific topic is to blame for about 80% of the negative things in my past that I am still healing from.
I’ll start from the beginning. I come from a very beautiful
family. I know this because we’d often get comments from strangers and friends
alike. Yes, it’s nice having inherited good genes but before you think I am
totally self-absorbed, let me pull the curtains back a bit.
Beneath my family’s beauty has always been a deep pressure to
do all that one can to be and stay beautiful. With that said, the word “beauty”
in our society often correlates to exclusive words like, “skinny”, “tan”, “beautiful hair”, “nice smile”, etc. At least this was
the shallow definition of beauty I was led to believe as a young girl.
From the time I was probably around 5, I remember my mom
complaining about different parts of her body. Of course, being a small child,
I didn’t know this was an issue or that it would eventually help to shape my
own self-esteem issues. My parents may have gained their shallow view of beauty
from other spheres of influence, and I don’t blame them considering how twisted
the media can be. Whether my parents
realized it or not, one’s shape and appearance became placed on a high pedestal
in our home.
I can recollect hundreds of times as a child, being in
public and hearing my parents snicker about an overly large woman in their
sight. Of course it all seemed playful in the moment but I learned soon enough
that being fat meant being laughed at, and being laughed at meant you were
nothing.
It all began to worsen when my mother got plastic surgery on
a part of her body that she didn’t like. At the time, I didn’t know exactly what
was going on. All I knew was that if you didn’t like a part of how God created
you, you fixed it. No matter the cost. I wish I knew what I know now so that I
could tell her how beautiful she already was and that her idea of “beauty” was
a product of the lies we hear on television and in magazines.
As I got older and my body matured with puberty, all of
these past lessons began to more actively shape how I treated my body and also
what I thought of my overall value and worth. I signed up for cross-country my freshman
year of high school because I knew it would be an outlet for my love for
running. And it was! However, it also produced an appetite like that of a
sixteen-year-old boy.
The harder I trained, the more I ate to fuel my body, and
the better I got. My build went from being a string bean to a power house. It
wasn’t long until I had discovered that my body was shaped differently than the
bodies of some of the more elite, high school runners. While watching
invitational races, I would sit back and admire the top runners’ slender
gazelle-like legs, their thigh gaps, and their six pack abs. “I want that.” I
remember thinking. I was willing to do whatever it took to attain THAT type of
beauty.
By my junior year I learned about portion control and
low-fat diets. Before long, I was cutting one thing after another from my diet.
Fats, animal proteins, sugars, you name it. I was basically a fruitarian. All I
ate was fruits and vegetables. In no more than two months, I was down almost 20
pounds and EVERYONE noticed considering I was nowhere close to being overweight
before. All of my running peers told me how great I looked, my parents applauded
me for what appeared to be the product of good off-season training, and I was
pursued by even more guys at school. Come track season, I had cut almost 2
minutes in the two-mile. Who knew being thin could bring so much happiness!? As
long as I could maintain my low weight, I would be fulfilled.
This high did not last for long. About six months into my
low-weight maintenance, I was experiencing a bodily break-down. My energy
levels were extremely low and I could hardly walk to class without shortness of
breath. My face broke out in acne like it had never before. I was highly
emotional and, the scariest part of all, I had not gotten my period in months!
Blood tests checked my ferritin levels to see if I was anemic. The low to
normal range was anywhere between 15-30. I was a 2. My doctor diagnosed me with
severe anemia.
No problem, I thought. I can take iron supplements and not
compromise my eating and exercise routines. Wrong. The liquid iron was not
going to be nearly as effective until I began eating normally again. Despite
this, I did everything in my power to avoid weight gain. It wasn’t until my
high school coach said something to me that I finally admitted my problem. He sent
my parents an email saying he was concerned I had Female Athlete Triad. Here’s
a proper definition from femaleathletetriad.org:
The Female Athlete Triad is a syndrome
of three interrelated conditions that exist on a continuum of severity,
including:
- Energy Deficiency with or without Disordered Eating
- Menstrual Disturbances/Amenorrhea
- Bone Loss/Osteoporosis
“Yep, that’s me!” I thought. It
wasn’t long until my dad really pressed me to start eating more and exercising
less. Before long I was back to a healthy weight and my energy levels
normalized.
Fast forward 2 years: I’m in
college looking at some recent photos my mom took of me while running an
invitational. “Wow!” I remember thinking, “I look HUGE!” Tears began to roll
down my face as I compared myself once again to the stick-thin runners beside
me in the photo. A couple weeks and self-pep-talks later, I was back on a
strict diet while training harder than before.
You can probably guess what came
next. Yep. Faster times, compliments from peers and teammates, and one heck of a
self-esteem. I felt on top of the world.
Until…
Six months later, still dropping
weight, muscle included, I lost my period again, this time it would be gone for a whole year. Soon the terrible acne was
back and due to my high dosage of daily liquid iron, I was just getting by on
my iron levels.
Before making this story any
longer than it already is, I’ll give the rest to you in a nutshell. My
obsessive eating and exercising habits led me to more problems than I’d like to
list. From menstrual, to digestive, to immunity issues, I was fed up and
eventually lost my love for running. I quit the team just before my senior year
of college, giving up my full scholarship, moving on to create a more healthy
balance in my life. Well, that was easier said than done. The bad habits followed
me and my doctor eventually put me on the pill to help get my cycle back.
So why am I sharing this? I’ll
tell you why. Since quitting running, I fell in love with my now husband, Eric.
Through his unconditional love despite my past and struggles, he continually showed
me Christ in a much deeper sense than I had ever known. You see, I had become a
Christian in college, while in the midst of the second round of my full-fledged
eating disorder. Despite my new identity in Christ, I still deeply struggled
with old habits. Through Eric’s patience with me, I’ve come to better
understand God’s love in Christ.
Because of what Jesus has done for me, I am
set free from these chains! No longer do I need to earn my worth in this world
by cutting back on the joys of food. No longer do I need to pound miles into
the concrete in order to justify my existence while wearing a size 2! I have been
fearfully and wonderfully made by my Creator. He loves me so much that he sent
his only son Jesus Christ to die in my place, nailing my sins to the cross so
that I can stand justified and righteous, without blemish before The Father. For
so long I stood in the jail cell with my chains undone. By God’s precious
grace, I am learning to step and stay out of the jail cell one step at a
time.
In just over 2 years, I’ve let go
of my obsession for running and have tried new things. My wonderful husband has
given me so much grace and encouragement as I strive to live a life that
glorifies God rather than a selfish life that chains me down in misery. I’ve
discovered a different kind of beauty in myself and am learning to embrace a
softer, more feminine figure. Don’t get me wrong, I love being active but I also
love being free to be who God has created me to be without the stress of
appearance.
Ladies, we were not created to have 8% body fat and boxy abs! From
the research I’ve done, I am not alone in this struggle. Many women and
especially women-athletes, struggle from eating disorders and amenorrhea (loss
of period). I could very well struggle with years of infertility because of my
past sins. I sure hope not, but it’s very possible!
I guess what I’m trying to say is…
don’t settle for the shallow definition of beauty that our culture preaches. If
you want beauty, look at Jesus. Look at what he’s done for you on the cross. You
can be set free from these bondages. Do I still struggle? Absolutely! But I am
miles away from what I used to be. And guess what. God is not finished with me
yet!
I hope that my story can shed
some light on the hidden epidemic occurring in the lives of many females. Most
of all, I hope it testifies to the power of Christ in me. He is, indeed, our
only hope.
