A letter to my 18-year-old self.

So it is a month before my 24^th birthday and I have been reflecting on my past quite a bit. 

Why?  Maybe it’s because moving halfway across the country makes you lose yourself a bit in the unfamiliarity so you find yourself digging deep into memories to hold onto anything familiar.

It could also be that, hey, a lot has happened this past year and sometimes it’s cool to look back see how much God has done! 

Aside from my 24^th birthday on January 9^th, our first wedding anniversary is coming up on January 10^th and that’s sort of a big deal!

All of that to say, I am astounded at how much I have blossomed and changed over the years. Particularly from the time I was 18… that is when things really began to look up. I know that hindsight is always 20/20 and that many times the best way to learn is through mistakes, but there is SO much I wish I could tell my 18-year-old self to prevent some major heartache and to encourage her. Of course, I’m barely 24 and I have sooo much more to learn so when I’m 30, I’ll write another letter :) 

Here it goes…

Dear 18-year-old Me, 

I will start on a positive note: life does get better for you! And it will very soon.

Please believe me when I say, there is a solution, a remedy, for the hole you feel inside yourself.

No, the solution isn’t a boy. In fact, you have terrible taste in men. I’m sorry, BOYS not men.

Just because he texts you every day doesn’t mean he really loves you. You read into his texts way too much. Boys will say anything to get what they really want. Yes, that is all he wants… Dad was right. On that note, please don’t go over to his house alone. Remember when you would get mad at Dad for not letting you go to his house alone? Yes, I know you are rebelling against Dad now but, trust me, nothing good happens when do. You will be left with a bigger hole. 

Also, it is unfortunate that you turned so many good guys down. They were nice guys. They were men, not boys. And you just thought they were all too boring. You’ll deeply regret breaking all of those hearts later in life. Don’t worry, another good one will come along and you will finally have your head on straight when that time comes. 

Speaking of heartbreaks, you will be hurt by some mean girls and their poor insecure, miserable selves. Please know this: it’s not you, it’s them. They will spread some pretty nasty rumors about you. I know it hurts, but they are hurting more, that is why they enjoy watching you hurt. Misery loves company I guess. But please, don’t hate them and don’t grow bitter. They have some serious issues going on in their personal lives, you will discover that in a couple of years, and then you will understand. For now, please pray for them and forgive relentlessly. You will be better off that way. 

Also, I know life at home is really rough. You and Mom don't like each other and she and Dad fight too much. It will pass.They will finally get a divorce and it will be really painful. All of the skeletons will come out of the closet and that will be painful too. Please know that it is possible to have a happy and healthy marriage. It really is, I promise. The cycle can broken.

How many times did you look in the mirror today and over-analyze yourself? Don’t do that anymore. You are built differently than other girls. And that’s okay. Please start eating more protein. Your body is weak and you are exhausted. Give yourself a break. You aren’t fat. And even if you were, that would not affect your worth one bit. Now go eat a cookie. 

I know you are obsessed with running but believe me when I say, you will get over that obsession. No, you will never make the Olympics, and that’s okay too. You hate that your parents pressure you in running and that your hometown just sees you as the cross-country super star. It really kills you. Don’t worry, it will pass. You’ll move on and you will realize how much more to life there is. 

Oh and PLEASE, PLEASE, stop coloring your hair. Your natural color is actually quite nice. You will grow to like it. As of now, you’ve been frying it with bleach and dye and flat irons. It is doing tremendous damage and it will take a while to repair on its own. Warning: your hairdresser will accidentally dye your hair black the day before the senior picnic. Just sayin’, it might be best to wear a hood that day.

Umm, also, I know you have recently received a running scholarship to go to college, but I have some advice. Please get an internship and get involved on campus sooner than your senior year. When you go in for interviews after graduation, no one will really care that you ran your butt off to pay for college. Some will, but most won’t. They will want to know what your work experience is. It’s really sad actually; I still think it’s unfair. But that’s just how it works! Either way, you’ll get through it and God will provide.   

Next, and most importantly, there is a God and he loves you more than you know. There is nothing YOU can do to make him love you more. That hole you have can be filled with a love and peace that surpasses all understanding. You will soon come to know God very intimately through his Son, Jesus Christ. I know that sounds weird and stupid to you right now, but this Truth will change your life forever. Trust me, this Jesus… he is more than a teacher, example, or historical figure. He is your only hope in this life and the next. You can stop trying so hard now. You can’t earn your salvation. But he can, and he did. He did it for you… on the cross. In fact, when you finally understand this, your heart will be so impacted and changed by his grace, you will have no option but to respond with gratitude. He will change your life profoundly.

Lastly, there is a man for you. His name is Eric. You’ll meet him at church (I know, CHURCH… you can’t believe it now) He will love you more than those stupid boys you’ve obsessed over. In fact, he will be the second best thing that will ever happen to you. He will be a true partner, loving you truly and selflessly. He will actually know your favorite songs, movies, and be able to finish your sentences for you. He will value you more than any guy you’ve ever known, only wanting the best for you and not once pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do. He will value purity and the sanctity of marriage (I know you thought guys like that didn’t exist). You will fall in love and he will ask your father for your hand in marriage. You two will marry at the ripe age of 22 & 23. Yes, you will get married before you’re 35 believe it or not. Oh, and you will move to Oklahoma with him. “OKLAHOMA?! EW!” Trust me, you’ll love that place more than you think you will.

For now, please know that regardless of your stupid mistakes, ugly heartaches, and lack of experience, you will get through this. There’s a light waiting for you. God will escort you there… and then, before you know it, YOU will be ME sitting here writing this to you, marveling at HIS beautiful plan and providence. He is good. All of the time.   

xoxo. 

 Love, the almost-24-year-old You.