If I could explain to you how difficult this has been, my words would still not suffice to properly describe the amount of pain Eric and I have experienced. It is beyond words. It is a pain so deep, and so foreign, and so incredibly lonely... I don't think anyone could understand unless they walked through it themselves. That is partly why I have avoided sharing this with anyone.
Look, this is my blog. No one reads it. Maybe a few lurkers, but as far as I know, it's an unknown blog and not exactly on anyone else's blog roll. So if you've stumbled upon this particular entry, please know that this is a safe place for me. A place to share my very expressive heart. If you know me in real life, and you read this, please do not treat me any differently than you already do (unless you've been a jerk lol). Anyways...
The most difficult, I am not exaggerating, MOST difficult part about walking through infertility is the comments people make. Now, most people who have never walked through a mammoth amount of pain in their life would probably say, "Come on, stop being so sensitive!" If that's you, please hear me out. Being infertile is incredibly lonely. No one understands what you're going through. That being said, some people don't know how to respond when they find out someone is struggling to get pregnant. One would think there would remain even a minute amount of decency and reason, but alas, there are folks who do not think before they speak. So here are some things I've heard this past year that make me want to pull my hair out:
1) You need to just RELAX!
2) Once you stop stressing about it, you'll get pregnant!
3) Have you tried ______ ? (insert uninvited advice, i.e. Putting your feet up after sex, taking cold medicine, using preseed, eating sweet potatoes, doing this cleanse, cutting out sugar, etc.)
4) Just adopt! Once you adopt, you'll get pregnant!
5) You're not trusting God enough.
Do you know what these comments do? They put the blame on me. I already put enough unnecessary blame on myself. If you happen to find out that a woman in your life is infertile, please refrain from giving advice of any kind.
The next painful part has been feeling like less of a woman because I am childless. All I have ever wanted and dreamed of is to be a mom. That's all. Just a mom. I've never had any long-term career goals, I've never wanted to travel (psh who cares about traveling when you can raise a family!), I've never wanted to accomplish anything other than living in my tiny little corner of the universe, raising my kids, and loving my husband. But God wants me to wait... maybe forever... I don't know.
Did you know that God is sovereign over the womb? Yeah, most people do not learn this, particularly if they have no problem getting pregnant. Let me tell you something... I know more than the average woman about the reproductive organs, about the miracle of life, about the egg, sperm, fertilization, implantation... the whole shebang... than the average woman knows. That happens when you trying to get pregnant for a long time, you become a walking encyclopedia about conception, pregnancy, a woman's body, etc. And you know what the biggest take away has been.... Life is a freaking miracle. A MIRACLE! The journey the sperm takes to meet the egg... that ALONE is a miracle. Unbelievable odds it has beaten just to reach the egg. Don't even get me started about the rest of the process. It's miraculous that any of us are here.
All that to say, there are way too many people who do not understand this. They walk around with their three little kids like, "Yeah, I did this! Me and my husband just decided to get pregnant and so we did the deed and *poof*! Here they are! We made a baby!" Let me tell you... NO, YOU DIDN'T. God did! God decided you would have a baby, God did a freaking miracle and made the sperm meet the egg, fertilized the egg, made the embryo travel down the fallopian tube over a 6-10 day period, implanting it into the uterine lining, and if all conditions are right (and I'm talking about a lot of specific conditions have to be just right) it then grows over the course of 9 months and is born into this crazy world.
As I said, God is sovereign over the womb. I've had to learn this the hard way and so have 1 in 6 women that struggle with infertility. This means that God, in his sovereign and perfect will, has closed my womb. Just as he sovereignly decided to make you a mom, he sovereignly decided to withhold children from me for now. It's been the most sanctifying process of my life.
About 6 months into this journey, my heart began rebelling against God. I began to wonder if I had unrepentant sin in my life, if I was being punished, if God really loved me at all. I began to question God's goodness.
"Lord, this is a good thing that I want. You give it to irresponsible, teenage, unmarried kids, you give it to crack head prostitutes, heck, you gave a baby to Britney Spears for crying out loud... but not to me? Why? Why not me, Lord?"
For months, I cried endless tears. Every failed month, every cycle that ended in a negative test, another period.... every month was another painful reminder. On top of that, pregnancy announcements everywhere. People began asking, "When are you two going to have children?" I had to respond nonchalantly, "We're trying" with a smile. It was as if I had a glass filled with hope. When we began trying a year ago, that glass was filled to the brim, and every month, a little bit poured out... a little bit here and there... and then, empty. gone. no more hope.
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The end of myself
A few months back, I finally came to the end of myself.
I couldn't do it anymore. I had done two rounds of fertility drugs, seen two different specialists, and was about to commit to my first IUI cycle, and I quit. I canceled all of my appointments and put up my white flag. "Lord, I surrender to you. I'm done. Here are my hopes and dreams... I'm laying them at your feet. Do whatever you want."
And then I began to hear that still, small voice -- the Holy Spirit's conviction. I had loved this invisible, make-believe child more than God. I had been treating God like my genie. I was not spending any alone time with him, I hardly ever read my Bible, I only prayed during the two-week-wait (google that if you're clueless), but every month, once my period came again, I pouted and turned my back on God.
It became clear to me that God was not on the throne of my heart. He was not my first love. I had warped and twisted the loves of my heart and put "baby" on the throne. Everything I did, thought about, every decision I made was influenced by my desire to have a baby. The money we spent on doctors and drugs and natural supplements... all for this idol I was worshipping in my heart.
Do you know what happens when God is not the first love of your life? Pain, a fruitless life, anxiety, anger, emptiness. What did I expect? I was running after the wind. It was all vanity.
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"God I need you"
I finally realized how much I needed God. I needed his comfort. I needed to know him more and to love him more! For my own sanity, I needed him to take over. I was willing to do whatever it took.
I've always heard Christians talk about freedom and joy in Christ but I'm not sure I ever experienced this fully. Maybe in small parts of my life I did. I knew I was forgiven, I knew I had eternal life, I knew God had a plan... but I was still in bondage.
It was as if God had unchained me, set me free from a futile life of pain and misery, and instead of running out of the jail cell to experience God and the fullness of joy he had for me, I stayed in the jail cell.
Infertility changed that.
After wrestling with God for several months, I finally realized how much I had lacked him in my life.
All this time, I had been trying to bend his will to mine. Instead, I should have been bending my will to his!
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"Thy will be done"
And so I began on a new journey. It was time to get really serious about my faith. I took some serious measures to do so and have since experienced the freedom and fullness I was lacking.
First, I began to thank him. Yes... I thanked him for my infertility. "Lord, I don't understand why you are withholding a baby from me but I know it is for my good and your glory. Maybe you are protecting me from a very difficult situation, maybe you are preparing me for something great. Whatever it is, thank you!"
I then began evaluating my priorities. My excuse for not spending time with God was always, "I don't have time!" So how could I make more time? I needed to make sacrifices. My heart felt immediately convicted about my Facebook usage. I deleted it right away and have been off it ever since (maybe indefinitely), I eventually felt convicted about ALL social media usage and deleted my Instagram as well.
Eric and I had a serious talk about how we had not been investing in our relationship with God. We had not been sold out for him or even treating him for who he was... God!
So we both cut down drastically on TV time. We decided to read faith-based/theology books in our free time.
I then became more intentional with the types of entertainment I was choosing by asking questions like, "Is this going to negatively influence me? Will this glorify God? Will it benefit me in any way?" I began a search for resources that would help me grow in this time of need... I found a few Christian women bloggers who share about their growth through infertility, I've begun listening to more Christian podcasts (Revive Our Hearts has been a Godsend!), and I am finally reading more than I have in years. I try to stick to the old mantra "Garbage In, Garbage Out" when choosing what to watch, read, listen to these days.
Next, I became more serious about studying the Word of God. I began researching different methods that work for other people and came up with a routine that has worked for me so far. You wouldn't believe what that alone has done for me. The more time I spend in God's Word, the more proper view and understanding I have of who God is. That changes everything! There's just an unending amount of wisdom and knowledge in His Word. I will never be done learning about him and his greatness.
Another change I made was being more intentional in my prayer life. I set up a prayer notebook (Coolest thing ever, FYI) to help structure my prayer life more and to give me motivation to pray. My prayer life before was sporadic and mostly me begging God for a baby. Now, it is much more structured, intentional, scriptural, and fruitful!
Finally, I began seeking what God wants for my life. I found that he is clearly calling me to be a wife to Eric (duh!) so I began really investing in my role as a wife and homemaker (Eric's not complaining about that lol), I also found that my heart for adoption has grown. I am still praying about it a lot but God is definitely growing our hearts toward the possibility of adoption. If God is calling me to be a mom and yet he's closed my womb, I think it's pretty clear that adoption is what I am called to. Either way, I am saying, "Yes, Lord!" to whatever he sends my way.
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The Greatest Blessing
I never thought I'd say it but I think infertility has been the greatest blessing in my life thus far. Nothing has made me run toward God harder than this... and anything that makes me need God is a blessing in the end. He truly has led me beside still waters and restored my soul.
Do I still pray for a baby? Yes, fervently. But my heart is more tuned toward God's will for my life. I am much more willing now than before to say "Yes" to him even if he never opens my womb. Do I still have hard days? YES. Not as many as before but, even today was a hard one, and that is what prompted me to write this post. I still have areas that I will always be working on. No one will be perfect or totally unhindered by sin on this side of eternity. But God is not pleased with our perfection... He is pleased with our progress.
Like I said, I doubt this will even be read by anyone. It was written more for me than anyone else. I am a little bit incognito not being on social media any more so I figure people who actually care about me will seek me out and possibly find this. If you are one of those people, I love you. And I hope this was encouraging for you.
I want to close with this song. When I first heard it, I was out on a walk with my dog. I cried. And then I listened to it again and again... and cried some more. I will wait for God because he can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could ever do.
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2 Corinthians 1:3-7
God of All Comfort
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a] 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7 Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
In Christ, A Law Student's Wife.
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